Thursday, July 31, 2008

As I lay ... awake

Yes, it is now 2:20am and I cannot sleep. You would think that having the inspections pass and approved by both parties would give me a night of good sleep. But no. The minute after laying my head down on my comfy feather pillow and saying a prayer, my eyes popped wide open and are refusing to close. My mind it seems wants to join my eyes in "Awake" mode and millions of things are tumbling through my mind. Lists of things to do for this house. Lists of things to do for the new house. Lists of things to do for Bear Lake with Ryan's family this weekend. Lists of cleaning. Lists for packing all our stuff (stuff is the nice word) into boxes. And the Lists (augh - no more LISTS!!!) go on and on.

Seriously I just want to get some sleep. I haven't slept well since July 12th. Maybe it's because everything with the sale of our home is beginning to sink in. And I'll admit that I've cried a little the past couple weeks. Not in a bad way. Tears of joy that the house is pretty much sold (we still have the appraisal to do, but inspections are all done). But also tears of sadness, for everytime I walk into a room all sorts or memories pop into my head and then they manifest themselves visually when I try to sleep. So I just toss and turn most night's these days mulling everything over in my head. I guess it's a little hard for me to realize that I won't be here 3 weeks from now and this is my minds way of trying to capture and remember our time here. I feel like a big part of me is this home. I know it's silly to think a home defines a person because it's usually the other way around, but in a way this home does define me. It's a security blanket of sorts, a source of pride and a sign of my independence. I mean, we bought this house all by ourselves as working newlyweds and soon the reigns to it will be turned over to someone else. And that is a little scary to me. And I feel like a little part of me is slowly being ripped apart. Silly me getting all sentimental about a house at 2:30 in the morning.

Don't get me wrong. I know that it was the right time and decision for our family. It's been the best first home I could ask for.

I guess now I'll start the process of packing. I told myself I wasn't going to pack until the inspections were all done and the repairs agreed upon. As that was officially accomplished today I guess it's time to get down & dirty. So if anyone has empty boxes lying around, please, I'd love to borrow/use/take them off your hands. I promise I won't make you move them :) For now though, I guess I'll try and coax my tired eyes and mind to sleep.


Sugar & Spice said...

I understand! When we moved from our first home I cried not because I LOVED the house, but because I LOVED what it represented.
Our first home TOGETHER
Where our first baby was born
Lots of wonderful memories for us as a couple and visitors that came there...

AJ, Shauna and Keegan said...

I completely understand your pain on not being able to sleep. Granted, mine has nothing to do with moving and the memories associated with leaving your first house, but I am right there with you with the lists and things that need to get done by a certain date. Know that you can call me at anytime (and I mean that, because I'm really not sleeping) and we can chat. If I can help in anyway, let me know. We love you.

Lizzy said...

cynthia! i am so excited for you guys that you are moving! if you need any help, please call us. we will need to get together once you guys are all settled in. it has been so long since we have seen you guys. hope all is well!!